haywire

i have this feeling, and i only half attribute it to the shot of tequila and 2 pints of stella i hastily chugged to beat the 2 am cutoff. it's a good feeling, which is strange because it's been so long since i've had a good feeling that i'm surprised i remember what it's like. it's a feeling like, "okay, today, i'm starting my slow process of learning how to grab life by the balls." it's a feeling of latent selfishness, which makes me really excited. selfishness isn't always a negative thing; when it's self-motivation or self-preservation, it's downright commendable.

this isn't to say that i've figured anything out yet, but i can feel it squirming around inside my loopy head trying to congeal into an actual thought. as someone who's dealt with depression for years and motherfucking too many years, i know that eventually one reaches a breaking point where you just can't continue being sad. it's physically impossible to bleed and cry any more without dying. that's when you know that something big has to change. i'm right at that cusp. it's weird to not be able to put this into more understandable words. it's just, you know, a feeling. it also might be alcohol. i haven't decided yet, as i'm not completely sober on this end of correspondance.

also, all of a sudden i miss everyone, explosions in the sky's newest bit of brilliance, is just fucking incredible. it seems to pick up right where the earth... left off, which is fine by me. this band seems to be the soundtrack to personal revelation, and the thing to which i say, "if you died, you couldn't listen to this any more." and that keeps me breathing sometimes.

also, i have this crush on this guy. it's been a while since i've had an actual crush. i've had irresponsible emotional attachments, awkward interactions, and disasterous bouts versus insecurities, but no harmless infatuation just for the sake of it. there's something really exciting about having a crush, especially one that yr pretty sure will never come to any sort of fruition. it's pleasant to imagine, and it's also pleasant to feel those stupid stomach-butterflies when i make him smile. it's regular shit like that that reminds me that i'm not a total trainwreck of a human being.

my insides are warm and busy. totally fucking haywire.