maybe i should learn the harp.

i think growing up is hardest when you realize you've done it and you weren't paying attention. like, when you look yr old self in the face in a sweaty room full of drunk kids wriggling around to ironic 80s music desperately trying to impress someone and you hate hate hate it. you know yr not better than it; you just don't get it any more. i don't know when that happened, but i feel like a pompous shithead in most social gatherings these days.

also, i feel a little like a teenager these days. i can't remember having such an identity crisis since i was 14, shedding my black eyeliner and marilyn manson t-shirts and asking my mom to take me to the mall so i could get $80 khakipants at abercrombie and fitch. man, i sure didn't belong on either side of that spectrum. thank god for the the indierock kids. but i mean, c'mon, i'm 22; i've psychoanalyzed every aspect of my dumb ass every day since i was 12. i've been to 3 seperate rounds of counseling. how much more can there possibly be to figure out? why can't i sit myself down and say, "here, do this thing because it'll make you happy"? i feel like it should be a lot easier than this. too bad i can't just drain my brain of all the catastrophic thinkjuices in there and just do something. i need to logically explain to myself that not everything needs a logical explanation.